empyreus: (ill)
( Aug. 13th, 2011 09:56 am)
It seems all my updates this year are along the lines of "Sorry about the month-long posting break, I'm still here." :/

I *am* still here, I just fail at updating. And fannishness. For the last two months, I've been feeling sort of adrift. Not quite cut off from anything, just... I don't know, floating around. Work-sleep-work-sleep-work, with little energy for anything else. I'm finding it hard to focus (which I suspect is caused by not sleeping enough) and apparently my body isn't amused by the strain either. My blood pressure was horribly high the last time I had it measured (this Thursday), and even though I suspect it was caused by all the screwups that happened at work that day, I suspect it's higher than it should be even on calmer days. My memory is suffering, too, and I keep having moments of "Wait, what the hell was I going to do next?" and "I swear there was something I needed to do, but I can't remember what it was".

The worst thing is that I feel even less social than usual, but mainly because I'm so tired. Meh.
I wonder if I'll ever learn not to overthink everything. If I'll ever be able to just write fic, be happy with it and post it without agonising over whether or not someone'll think I've failed so hard omg with a side of the standard whiny "but this'll never be as good or as popular as the epics everyone loves". I think I need to get out the world's smallest violin and play for myself a little. :P

Also, I have a totally idiotic Inception-related question: when you enter someone else's dream, are the clothes you wear ones you a) chose yourself (i.e. told yourself you'd be wearing in the dream), b) wore when you fell asleep, c) the dreamer put you in? Or d) something else entirely? (Or e) wtf is wrong with you, what the hell kind of question was that? Are you stupid?) I'm sure the answer is blindingly obvious, but I'm just feeling too dense at the moment.

This has just been a bit of a shitty day and a shitty week and I feel a bit moody and unsure of myself again. Bleh.
empyreus: (viggo/billy smooch)
( Jun. 28th, 2010 10:01 pm)
... I'm just very silent.

I had planned to post a kink_bingo fic before the end of the month, but I doubt that'll happen, because I'm apparently trying to figure out how to hit as many squares as possible without getting a line. (I should add that when I say "hit" I mean it in the broadest sense: none of my ficlets are past the note stage, and some only have a possible pairing. I told you I write like a glacier.)

Anyway, the main point of this post wasn't to whine about my lack of progress, but to offer belated thanks for the birthday wishes (early, timely and belated alike!) and lemurs. Thank you!

And finally, a random observation: not content with getting the first six mosquito (one of them inevitably in a place that you can't scratch in polite company - the inner thigh) bites of the season during Midsummer, I also got sun rash around my left elbow joint. Ack.
empyreus: (marsh elf)
( May. 31st, 2010 06:31 pm)
Argh. Today has been one of Those Days. So many little annoying things adding up and so much frustration grinding away at my peace of mind. At one point, I felt like snapping and just randomly shouting abuse at people since everyone seemed to annoy me. I didn't. I just seethed inwardly and hoped I didn't look as livid as I felt. It's a bit of an odd mood swing for me. Most of the time I'm rather even-tempered and I wouldn't be surprised if someone thought I was meek.

It's a bit better now (the rage has passed), but I'm still irritated by the smallest things. Plus I feel tired (mind, getting up at half past six will do that to you) and apathetic and mostly just in need of a hug.
Today, as I was wandering around aimlessly in a local store, I came across some cheap standing mirrors and decided to take a closer look since I'd been thinking about getting one of them for ages. I walked up to one and stood in front of it (as one does), and my first reaction was "No wonder they're going cheap. There has to be a surface warp or flaw in the mirror. I am not that skinny!"

Yeah. I don't know what that says about my self-image and confidence. :(
This icon is so appropriate right now.

True to form, I'm still working on my [livejournal.com profile] yuletide fic, even though deadline is practically screaming me in the face.

Ahhahahaha omgwtf Yuletide.

Did I mention I was up until four last night finishing another challenge fic? Because I was.
empyreus: (coffee)
( May. 24th, 2008 12:55 pm)
gang aft agley. :( I'm sitting in the Elephant House (HP fans will know why this is important. *g*), but of course I can't use my memory stick with their terminals, so my cunning plan to paste in my pre-written update is foiled. Oh well.

Day two is going well, despite my slight tendency to fail at directions and my stubborn refusal to read my map in public.

Anyway. Am safe, am good, and will probably paste my update in once I find an internet cafe that lets me use my memory stick.
empyreus: (got to be joking)
( May. 9th, 2008 02:01 pm)
Argh, this whole day (and week) is one big Do Not Want. The deadline for the interim report (thesis) is looming like a giant big looming thing, and I'm so stuck on the whole thing that I want to email the (temporary) supervisor and ask if I can just reschedule and present the interim report in August or something.

I've had most of this week to work on it, but I seem to have made very little progress. I keep getting stuck in the theory, snarling myself into the strands until I suddenly realize either that a) I can't use it, or b) I've misunderstood it. When I'm not getting stuck in theory, my neighbours try to drive me mad by hosting what seems to be a free-form fight in the stairwell. And did I mention we have craftsmen sandblasting the house? >_< If you think it's loud when you pass the house being blasted, try being inside it.

I have until Monday, granted, but I have work tomorrow, plus friend and family obligations that I'd feel terrible about skipping and which all eat time like mad. :( All those things considered, I technically have to finish this today. Halp.

(Sekrit note in Finnish for [livejournal.com profile] littlemimm and [livejournal.com profile] tackerama: eli näillä näkymin tulen taas käymään lauantaina mutten voi istua iltaa. :( Helvetti että mä vihaan omaa kykenemättömyyttä. Onhan mulla tekstiä, mutta se on niin sotkuista että itkettää.)
Just. *sigh* I have so many issues with it, and I can't even articulate how angry it makes me. (I won't bore you with my personal issues re the topic, at least not in this post.)

Two of the counter-projects caught my eye: [livejournal.com profile] hahathor's Open-Source Knuckle Sandwich Project and [livejournal.com profile] misia's Open Source Swift Kick to the Balls Project. I heartily support both.

Time to move the "Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?"* badge from my student overalls to my jacket lapel, I think.

*I made it years ago, when I was customizing the overalls. (Long story short, Finnish university students have overalls in school colours and it's tradition to pin/draw/sew/glue/solder on as much stuff as possible.) At the time, I thought of it as half joke, half statement, since the overalls render your figure non-existent and should at least nominally lessen unwanted attention. However, since they're usually worn on May Day or other alcohol-soaked occasions, people wearing them are also thought to be fair game (for anything, be it a grope or a punch) by some. *wince*
empyreus: (foolish)
( Feb. 29th, 2008 08:34 pm)
Guess who hit herself in the chin with a packing tape dispenser today?

Yes, that would be me. I now have a half-inch-long cut across my chin and the beginnings of a small bruise under it. Go me. And how did I manage this stunning feat of self-pwnage, you ask? By holding the dispenser with the blade away from me (thinking I could avoid cutting my hand that way), yanking on the tape that was stuck, and finally tugging so hard the tape snapped. Since I was effectively pulling on the dispenser, which has a pistol grip for doing just that, it meant my arm jerked back when the tape broke. Cue metal corner of the dispenser hitting me in the chin hard enough to jar my jaw. Ow. I didn't think it was that bad, though I did reflexively swear, but then I heard my workmate say: "You're bleeding" as she ushered me toward the mirror (and away from the customers that just showed up, I imagine). It bled for a few minutes, meaning I had to stick a plaster on it to avoid scaring customers, but when I noticed they stared anyway, I took the plaster off and hoped the wound had closed enough to stop bleeding. It had, and while the narrow gash was dark red, it was also a lot less startling than the plaster had been.

Just. I'm getting sick of this week and of the universe trying to pwn me at every turn. It's bad enough that I have to work six days this week, I don't need shitty days to increase my misery. (There's a bit of win to my day, though: my sister brought me sweet potato soup that she'd made herself, so I didn't have to make dinner. *loves*)

And I think I have the beginnings of a cold, too. Fuck.
A-ha! I knew my pseudo-guerilla tactics would pay off. My seminar supervisor (see previous post for details) approached me as I was dashing through the English Dept. on my way to the third floor computer lab. "You'd left me a note," he said, sounding more amused than anything, so I hastened to tell him that yes, I'd left a note as opposed to an email. He proceeded to claim that he did indeed read his email (pull the other one, sir, it's got bells on it) and that his absence wasn't due to him trying to avoid people. M-hm. Of course. (For those of you who haven't seen/heard me talk about said teacher: he's a misanthrope and likes to bitch and moan about how horrible his students are, but deep down, he's fantastic. He may be caustic, but he's rarely truly mean, and he has a wicked sense of humour.) Long story short, I agreed to come see him about my seminar this Friday. About damn time, if you ask me. Now all I have to do is figure out a few different angles on the far-too-broad subject (levels of obscenity in contemporary lit) I've thought about writing on, and I should be set. *wibble* I don't want to be stuck with a dull subject and have to resort to this method of writing.

Now that the thesis bit seems (and I use the word loosely) to be clearing up, I'll have more time to fret over seminar problem number two: I don't know who my opponent is. Yes, we were all assigned opponents at the beginning of the course a month and a half ago, but it transpired that my assigned opponent will be in Ireland all of next year, hence she can't be present when I'm due to present the work in January. Feck. Why does this always happen to me? *clutches Minerva's feet* Is there something about me that pisses off the academic part of the pantheon?

Wah. Will go to bed now. The interpretation lectures have been shifted to 8.30* on Thursday mornings, and I need a good night's sleep to be able to cope with three hours of interpreting speeches on the politics of relief efforts first thing in the morning.

* This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that the sun rises at about 8.40 a.m. these days. And it sets around four p.m., so we have less than seven and a half hours of daylight.

New icon again.

Points to anyone who figures out where the subject line is from. ;)
Well, this is certainly a less pleasant way to start the morning. I checked my uni inbox only to find a rather snippy email from the tutoring coordinator saying I should hand in my tutoring report posthaste, as it was already late. Well, dear bint, I would have, if you could have found it in your efficient and coordinated little heart to actually give us the actual deadline for the reports instead of just vaguely saying "Oh, hand them in during August" whenever we asked about it. Git. It's a small consolation that another one of the tutors seems to be lagging as well.

*sigh* Best write that report, then.
empyreus: (Cate)
( Aug. 17th, 2005 10:03 am)
I loathe this feeling of paranoia I get when there is a new fic posted, and the general idea of it runs close to the one of the fic I am currently working on. I'm not abandoning the current fic, though. No, there is enough divergence. </cryptic>

I amuse myself at times. I'm paranoid to the point of being utterly ridiculous when it comes to some things, in particular my writing. I'm constantly afraid of not being good enough, of making a fool of myself, of not being what people expect of me. [livejournal.com profile] darkie and [livejournal.com profile] tackerama are completely right when they say it's a wonder I manage to write anything at all, seeing how violent the writing process is for me.

Yes, I am satisfied with some of the things I've written, so it's not a case of burning hatred towards every word I have ever committed to paper or file. If anything, it's a case of trying to be everything to everyone all of the time.  I'm my own worst critic and I drive myself hard. (Tangentially related to this: I wasn't terribly surprised to find out that my Tarot card is The Chariot.)

I wish I'd get over this, because it's time-consuming and it drains me. And it must be annoying the people who are forced to listen to it as well.

Work is nice in that it enables you to pay the bills, but I hate what it's doing to my social life (or lack thereof, heh) and my life in general. I'm exhausted all of the time because of the heat and the hectic pace, and I'm endlessly stressed. Bleh. Friday was awful, the exams on Saturday killed my brain, Sunday was awful, Monday (day off, whee) was spent running around town in the sweltering heat trying to find clothes for a cocktail party I have to attend. (However, I'm happy to report that the clothes-hunt was successful. I acquired an entire outfit, from underwear to trousers to blouse and top to pashmina scarf and handbag, plus shoes. And most of it was on sale, so I got off cheaper. Yay.)

I know I owe you lot lots of comments, but I just don't have the energy right now. I'm sorry if I've missed important posts, too.
empyreus: (marsh elf)
( Jun. 30th, 2005 10:54 pm)
There are a few things at work that remain mysteries to me. One of the more bizarre ones is The Mystery of the Crisp Crumbs.

In every room where the inhabitants have eaten crisps (either the Pringles from the minibar or crisps they've brought along), there has been an inordinate amount of crumbs all over the wall-to-wall carpet. The crumbs haven't just been centered around the chairs or the bed, but have actually been all over the carpet. What is that about? Is there some sort of god of vacations and hotels who demands that nightly offerings of crisp crumbs be deposited all over the carpet? It's not that difficult to eat crisps without a mess, people. Keeping your mouth closed while chewing helps, as does actually putting the crisps in your mouth and not on the floor. I feel like writing a short story about Hrafnur, Dark God of Crisps in Hotels, a.k.a He Who Dwells in the Carpet.

I can relate to [livejournal.com profile] darkie's earlier lament re inept workmates. I'm not saying I'm infallible or a pro, and I'm still learning at work. I know I'm not as fast as I can be, but I pride myself on at least trying to improve.

I was stuck with another newbie (though I actually think she's been in the house a week longer than I have) today, and at the end of the day I felt ready to climb the walls. One of the last rest stops on the way to the acme of human stupidity, a.k.a my day with a n00b )

If they pair me up with her again tomorrow, I will scream. Yes I will. (At least I'll swear under my breath. I can't very well scream in the laundry room. It'd scare the guests.)


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